The 2008 Emmy Awards was the typical star-studded affair, with McDreamy looking his absolute McDreamiest, the Desperate Housewives looking anything but desperate and Tom Hanks looking like a ferret crawled away from a near-drowning experience and expired on top of his head.
Seeing him standing there accepting an Emmy for the HBO miniseries John Adams, I was not listening to a word he said, but rather staring at what can only be described as an F5 hairstyle malfunction. Is it one of the most awe-inspiring comb-overs or is it a rug? It doesn't really matter which it is, because WHAT it is, is terrible.
Look, I know it has to be traumatic to lose your hair - especially if it happens at a young age. However, to traumatize those around you by using one of the various 'hair replacement systems' to try and recapture what has been lost, is unforgivable. When you are over 40 and you go to extreme lengths to hide your hair loss, it should be grounds for execution.
Celebrities have a long history of trying to hide the fact that they were losing the battle with Mother Nature. William Shatner, Ted Danson and Burt Reynolds arguably have the 'best' hairpieces money can buy and they still look like they are sporting the pelts of small, four-legged critters atop their domes. Rudy Giuliani finally gave up the fight after years of living under the delusion that combing three strands of hair across his scalp was fooling anyone into thinking that he had a full head of hair. Wayne Newton went the route of the spray on hair (or does he just use dab-on shoe polish?).
The irony of all of this nonsense, is that women prefer bald to denial. Nothing is less sexy than running your hands through a man's hair during a moment of passion and ending up with a furry surprise stuck between your fingers. Bruce Willis, Ed Harris, Michael Jordan, Taye Diggs, Jason Statham. Hot, hot, hot, hot and hot. Every last one of them balder than Britney Spears after a bikini wax.
Rita Wilson, your husband won an Emmy tonight. That probably means he's gonna get lucky, and you're going to wake up tomorrow and think that you crushed a bunny during your romp in the sheets, only to discover that something is missing from dear Tom's head. If you know what 's good for him, you'll whisk it away and give it a proper burial. The world will thank you for it.
P.S. Jeremy Piven, you are not fooling anyone.
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